yay all my orals have finished!
but i think i probably failed both of them.
=/

anyway.
now i can continue eating chocolate!! =)
actually i still ate chocolate even when i hadn't had orals o.0.
ahahaha whatever.

now comes the HARD HARD part.
compos!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH..
and great after like how many weeks my vocabulary STILL hasn't increased.
no mood to copy down the hard words and look them up in the dictionary?
probably.
heh i'm so lazy. =)

i just CAN'T wait for the 6th of october when all the exams finish.
then i'll be FREE!!!
then i can play 24/7 until my head drops off.
hahaha. =)
but for now..
it's MUGMUGMUGMUGMUG for the EOYs.
wish me good luck.
i would probably find it really hard to concentrate on studying.
distracted by computer/TV or whatever.
ahhhh..

"No temptation has ever seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." - 1 Corinthians 10:13

heh since when did i start referring to bible verses?
oh well.
it must be a good thing.
anyway it's good encouragement.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5

16 more days and counting down..

again.
yet again.

i was just thinking.
why do people like to make fun of me?
is it THAT fun?
especially strangers who i probably don't know.
anyway that particular problem was solved.
but in this case,
there's someone who i know that's making fun of me.
someon who knows that i volunteered myself to become a peer lite.
calling me a loser,
saying that i want to make the sec1s as depressed as me.
like, why would i want to do that?
that's the thing i least want to do.
the results would be horrible.
the sec1s would hate me too.
in the end i would make them fail all their exams.
but who would want to do that?
i certainly wouldn't.

anyway.
what i'm saying is,
i don't understand why people like to make fun of other people.
especially if the person they're making fun of is someone they hate.
okay,
i understand that there are some people who hate me.
and..
who want to go to the extent of tagging in my blog?
maybe..
i don't know.
someone who hates me so much that he/she wants to tell the whole world what i stupid idiot and loser i am?
most probably.

but i don't get it.
i didn't tell anyone whom i wasn't familiar with that i wanted to volunteer to be a peer lite.
unless..
it's someone whom i'm actually FAMILIAR with that hates me and doesn't think i would be a good peer lite.
but at least i want to try my best?
i'm not THAT bad a candidate, right?

...right...?

or..
maybe i'm thinking too highly of myself.
maybe i really AM an idiot.

ohh wait.
i AM.
i am the worst living thing you have ever seen.
i'm just worthless.
probably even God hates me.
and of course now i'm doubting God.
sorry..

anyway.
yup.
i'm an IDIOT.
i'm a STUPID IDIOT.
i'm a LOSER.
i don't deserve to live.
i should be DEAD.
which is actually quite apt, since i'm thinking _______..

so,
i want to take this time to thank *somebody*.
for giving such a truthful comment.
i can't think of anything better to say.
so..
well said.

now i realise why people like to make fun of me.
it's because they WANT to.
they think it's so fun, making fun of me.
because i will be affected by their harsh comments.
because i will be so affected that my life will come crashing down on me.
because they'd like to see that happen.
because..

they HATE me.

hey.
couldn't get to my blog i think a few days ago.
there was some glitch i think.
but whatever.

anyway.
sorry.
i didn't have time to post the last week therefore..
yup.

so after one week of holidays,
here we are back at school again.
and now is officially the start of dehumanization.
and after one week of dehumanization,
my brain is well and truly DEAD.
we get worksheets after worksheets.
practices after practices.
man am i going to be SO GLAD when the streaming is over.
so this period of slugging it out for next year is going to feel like someone put a block of pure metal on you and you have to withstand its weight until the 6 of october where some kind soul comes and FINALLY lifts it off your back.
wow.
wouldn't the feeling be great.

but for now,
let me concentrate on studying.
ohh wait.
i can't concentrate.
too many things on my mind.
as always.
not concentrating,
distracted,
not concentrating,
distracted,
not concentr- ...
never mind.

everything is going wrong with/for me.
or at least,
everything seems to be going wrong.
i know some problems are solved,
but more problems are showing up.
taking place of the previous problems.
constantly occupying my mind.
why...?

oh well.
by the way, *somebody* has a point there.
i really AM a loser.

hey.
heh sorry didn't feel like posting the last 2 days.
a lot of things caught up in my mind.

anyway.
went for bay yesterday.
a change of topic for the next 2 months.

we are God's masterpiece,
and were not accidentally made.
God made us for a purpose,
for a reason.
now our goal is to find that purpose.
and at the same time,
we should try to live Godly lives that are pleasing to Him.
and since we are God's masterpiece,
we should not do anything that inflicts pain onto ourselves,
that goes against Him.
because by doing that,
we are hurting and going against God too.
He feels the pain as much as we do.
He made us for a purpose,
and that purpose was not to hurt ourselves or to go against Him.
that purpose is probably to spread the gospel,
to be God's messengers,
to testify to His wonderful works,
to go out to all the world and save those who have not accepted Christ,
those who have not had the chance to listen to God's word.
and even if that is not our ultimate purpose,
we should still live a life that is pleasing in His sight.

i really felt that this was directed at me.
but at least it really hit me that i was doing something wrong,
something that hurts God.
i guess i really wasn't thinking straight..

and i want to thank those cell people who stayed upstairs to really talk about my problems and try and help me pull through them.
victor, timo, joanne, joel..
i really can't thank you guys enough.
they prayed a lot for me too.=)
ohh and thanks victor for that..um..kind gesture?
haha..
yup that really encouraged and helped me so thank you again.=)
i really appreciate it.

i am SUCH a horrible horrible idiot.

i never think before i speak.
neither do i think before i act.
which are probably the main traits i have that make people angry/sad/disappointed/worried.
great.
i think God's making me more and more horrible so that one fine day, someone will come and kill me.
and that will be the end of the world's worst inhabitant.
what a nice and common-sensical fate, don't you think?

and look at what i'm doing now.

i'm posting depressing stuff that make people depressed and sad and disappointed and angry.
depressed because, obviously, the tone of the post itself is depressing, therefore..
okay this sounds a bit like history..
anyway
sad because of me, because i just can't seem to look on the bright side of life and am overly pessimistic.
disappointed because of me as well, because i'm so stuck on what i think of myself that other people can do NOTHING to help me.
and angry because of me, because i can't change my thoughts of myself.

see?
these are some of the things i do that affect/impact other people so much that i think most of them dread talking to me now.

someone told me not to keep all my thoughts to myself, and to vent them out on my blog.
maybe she doesn't know that by doing that, many many other people will start feeling the way i feel too.
and that's obviously not good.
not good at all.
especially if the feeling is bad.
that will turn out to be utterly disastrous.
so, for once..
maybe keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself is a good thing.
better than venting it out on my blog anyhow.
for the sake of the people who read my blog.
or even BOTHER to read.

it's better that only one person feels bad.
rather than so many other people feel bad as well, when they haven't done anything wrong at all..

right??

okay that was a stupid question.
of course it's better that only i feel bad.
i really don't want other people to feel bad for me.
that's a horrible feeling, trust me.



wait i just realised.
even while talking about how my posts are always so depressing, i end it in a depressing way too.
darn it.
i shall not say anymore to prevent myself from saying anything stupid.

if there were one person in this world whom i could get rid of, that person would be myself.

i mean seriously, every single thing that i do causes at least one other person either anger, disappointment, worry or sadness.
and come to think of it, there has been not one thing i have done that makes people happy.
even if i don't do a single thing, at least one person would be angry or disappointed or worried or sad..
and the list goes on and on and on..

causing worry is the worst thing that could ever happen.
i really don't want people to worry about me.
because that makes them sad.
and i don't want people to be sad because of me either.

what is wrong with me?
i just can't seem to do anything right.
or anything at all for that matter.

and i was just wondering..
why did God create me?
i know the Bible says everyone was created for a purpose..
but i really can't see the purpose of creating me.
like, what am i supposed to do?
what CAN i do, in fact?
i'm lousy at everything.
i can't do anything right.
i cause people to be angry/disappointed/worried/sad all the time.
no one is happy when they are around me.
i make people feel really depressed/stressed.
okay there's too many to write.
i can tell you more if you want to ask.
but seriously..

i'm sure everyone hates me.
i hate myself too.
heh.
which probably makes me the world's worst inhabitant.

and what do you do when you want to get rid of the world's worst inhabitant?
kill me.
please.

ok i guess i'm feeling a bit better now.

but i miss school! ahahaha.
no wait. i miss my FRIENDS in school. yup that's it.
especially ESTHER. ahahahaha.
the nice person who tries so hard to counsel me when i'm sad or when i cry.
although it doesn't really work. =)
awww so sweet. thank you!
never had a nicer friend. =)
but come to think of it, counselling me seems to make her feel a bit down too.
i think even sitting down beside me when i'm drowning in my own sorrows does so.
SORRY. i really am. don't feel bad, okay? =)

oh yeah and i've been feeling really sick and tired for the past few days.
i'm trying my hardest to cry.
that seems to be the only way to express my feelings. but only to empty space. no one else.
but it's not working.
i've pleaded God to help me cry so many times but i just couldn't do it.
maybe i've cried too much on wednesday?
i don't know.
someone must help me cry sooner or later.

and i broke my promise.
to a certain 2 people.
i'm so sorry..
i can't believe that it's only one day into the term break and i'm breaking my promise.
actually, i don't even think the term break started yet.
anyway.
i even told myself that i'm going to stop doing it FOR GOOD.
and look at what i just did?
i'm a horrible, HORRIBLE person.
i'm REALLY REALLY sorry..
please forgive me?
but trust me, i felt really bad right after i did it.
and it's really hurting to look at it, touch it and think about it.
i just let 2 of my friends down.

i'm the most despicable person you've ever seen in your whole entire life.
just say it.
trust me.

hey.

happy teachers' day. so it's a holiday for us students. yay. how exciting.

i really don't feel like doing anything at all. i can't seem to concentrate either. just last night during my erhu lesson, most of the time i was thinking about stuff, so i didn't really pay close attention to the teacher, and when we were playing the songs, i kept playing it wrongly. according to my father, who also learns erhu with me, i looked tired, sick and in my own world.

hmm. that seems to be true.

and then today, i was doing my maths worksheet halfway, and because there were a lot of things caught up in my mind, i stopped doing it and just stared at the wall.

and this, combined with my parents calling my handphone so many times today just to check on me and my brother and nag at us to study, is going to make me mad very soon.

and i'm really very tired now. i'm like stoning so many times while typing this post. even music doesn't help perk me up. and it's quite loud too.

ok sorry i just don't feel like continuing anymore. i'm just damn distracted now.