sorry i didn't post for so long. not in the mood to these days. because of SOME stuff (i shall not mention any specifically).

ok. so. update on my life.

its the last week of school! yay =). but unfortunately it's turning out to be horrible already. we had to do a compo today and we really weren't in the mood. and then tomorrow we have to practise oral.
wow. WHAT a nice way to start the week.

ok and now the stress is really getting to my head. i think i'm a bit mad now. things have been happening. i'm trying really REALLY hard to control my emotions and it's working somehow, but i think i will soon explode into a million pieces and unleash the demon in me. and by that time, i think it will be too late.

nothing seems to be taking my mind off ______. but i will try my best to get rid of the stupid feeling inside me now. even right at this moment as i'm typing this, i'm actually forcing these words out of my mind just for the sake of updating for you guys who read my blog (not that many people read it).

ok i've vomitted out all i can. i'm too tired to try anymore. maybe i'll try to end this soon. i'm making you guys feel really depressed just reading this, i know. trust me.

hey. yay another update (finally). heh.
ok i seriously don't know what to say. but because of CONSTANTINUPLE THE GREAT aka Judith =), i had to write something. bleah.

there i wrote something already. happy now?

ok now down to serious business. jodie and i finally remembered to go and get the larissa lam cd only after mrs han reminded us =p, and hearing from others who also bought the cd that the quality of the sound was lousy, i kind of regretted buying it. but actually the sound quality is good. its just that first part of the first song that sounds wierd but the rest are okay. although i must agree that she sounds nicer live than on a cd.

and my dear partner didn't come to school today. i was quite worried for her. i thought she was sick or something, but after reading her post yesterday, i really thought she was going to..
ok never mind. anyway if you are reading this, kim, i really hope you will come back asap so that we can have our very own lovely kimmie again! ahahahaha.

and art is really stressful. and when i say stressful i mean STRESSFUL. all our work must be handed up by next week. and this WHOLE week we have tests. i ask you, is this unreasonable or what? and we have to do like cutting and layering and what have you. i can't stand doing art anymore.

and according to jos, whoever he is, i am stuck up. i know this is the worst thing that could ever happen, but i seriously don't know in what way i am stuck up. all my friends say i'm not, i'm not. but i can't help but feel that it's true in some way. can someone tell me whether or not i am stuck up?!

i feel like killing myself now.

it's funny how little things can provoke me to tears.

i ask you, is crying more than once every single week for the past 4 weeks normal to you?
no?
i didn't think so.

if you notice carefully, i never cry in front of my family or church friends or anyone else for that matter. the only people i cry in front of are my school friends. it's funny that i feel 'safer' so called with my school friends than with my church friends.

you might think that it's at least a bit safer with church friends as they are in your CHURCH right, so obviously it's much 'safer' there. but i just feel more open within school. it's like, i'm not that open in church because i'm afraid that people will laugh at me there, and say things like, "what a crybaby" or something like that. the point is, things like that often happen in SCHOOL and not in CHURCH, as not everyone is that close to you in school and you most probably don't know like more than half the school population. but i just feel that i can be more open to my friends in school.
i don't know. things are just..different when it concerns me.

and i feel as if i don't have any real friends at all. not in school, not in church, not anywhere. my past 'friends' now all walk past me as if i'm not even there. like not even a glance or a smile. i probably have like only 2 closer friends in school. and the funny thing is, both are not in the usual group of friends that i hang out with. they are people i got closer to just this year.

i told you there is something wrong with me.

people say i have very low self esteem. i'm pessimistic. i'm starting to think that i'm probably going overboard, crushing myself under the weight of my negative thoughts. i don't know. i'm feeling really confused inside. what's happened to me?

i feel like crying now.

i hate myself.