it's funny how little things can provoke me to tears.

i ask you, is crying more than once every single week for the past 4 weeks normal to you?
no?
i didn't think so.

if you notice carefully, i never cry in front of my family or church friends or anyone else for that matter. the only people i cry in front of are my school friends. it's funny that i feel 'safer' so called with my school friends than with my church friends.

you might think that it's at least a bit safer with church friends as they are in your CHURCH right, so obviously it's much 'safer' there. but i just feel more open within school. it's like, i'm not that open in church because i'm afraid that people will laugh at me there, and say things like, "what a crybaby" or something like that. the point is, things like that often happen in SCHOOL and not in CHURCH, as not everyone is that close to you in school and you most probably don't know like more than half the school population. but i just feel that i can be more open to my friends in school.
i don't know. things are just..different when it concerns me.

and i feel as if i don't have any real friends at all. not in school, not in church, not anywhere. my past 'friends' now all walk past me as if i'm not even there. like not even a glance or a smile. i probably have like only 2 closer friends in school. and the funny thing is, both are not in the usual group of friends that i hang out with. they are people i got closer to just this year.

i told you there is something wrong with me.

people say i have very low self esteem. i'm pessimistic. i'm starting to think that i'm probably going overboard, crushing myself under the weight of my negative thoughts. i don't know. i'm feeling really confused inside. what's happened to me?

i feel like crying now.

i hate myself.